Being Miss Maumee Valley

Monday, December 12, 2005

The Humor in Pageants

Alright, here's some insight into my blogging technique: I generally post one thing at a time, allowing my web counter to rise between them. I also “stock pile,” saving posts as drafts that aren’t’ necessarily important or time sensitive, so I can post them when I’m too busy to come up with anything fresh. I saved this post as a draft on December 1 after finding the list below on a Miss Texas USA message board, it took it another few days to get to a national Miss America board (where Amanda Kane, who I think writes for Pageantry Magazine, claimed to have written it) and was then to the Miss Ohio message board a week and a half later. I guess I’m bummed that most of my readers have probably already read it by now, but I’m amused by the progression of information in the world of internet pageantry.

Anyway, I thought it would be a good post to leave up for a few days while I am visiting my brother in Chicago. I’ve added my commentary (as usual, if you haven’t noticed, I type in a reddish toned Arial font and anyone else’s work is in curious, usual grey.) So please, while I’m gone, leave me comments about your thoughts on the list below, what is true, untrue or just amusing to you, etc…
My original draft is below:

When I found this list called “You know you're a beauty queen when-” on a Miss Texas USA message board, I was hesitant to post it here. Then I was reminded of a few popular quotation:

“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”
~Elbert Hubbard
"If you can find humor in anything, you can survive it."
~Bill Cosby
"If you can't laugh at yourself, then who can you laugh at?"
~ Tiger Woods

Some things on this list are true, some I deleted and others are just funny.

1. You know the difference between a crown and a tiara.
… if only I had a dollar for every time I’ve explained it to others.

2. You own 2 pairs of taupe leather pumps.
… um, actually, I have three pair.

3. You have won a swimsuit competition thanks to glue.
… too funny.

4. You think 5-inch acrylic heels go with everything.
… they don’t?

5. You always stand in model stance.
… well that’s just good posture.

6. Your coach has never caught a football.
… no, I’m pretty sure she’s done that too. :)

7. Your body was designed by Mike.
.. I honestly don’t get this one. Can someone else explain?

8. You have every issue of Pageantry magazine, but have never bought a single copy.
… sadly no, and I love free stuff!

9. Diet Coke is the breakfast of champions.
… no, I’m a coffee girl in the morning... but I do prefer C2 the rest of the day, it's like Diet Coke, but tastes good.

10. You watch a televised pageant and have the winner, and all four runner-ups picked from introductions.
…actually, thanks to the internet, I have them picked before.

11. You have practiced your "winning reaction" in the mirror.
… this past June at Miss Ohio, Amanda Beagle actually encouraged us to think about it because in all the photos in the program book of her crowning moment her eyes were closed.

12. You paid more for your evening gown than for your car.
… no, my gown was half the price of my car, but that’s because my car is 12 years old with over two-hundred thousand miles and my boyfriend is a dealer, thus getting it for wholesale!

13. You know the names and home states of the last ten Miss Americas, Miss USAs, Miss Teen USAs and Miss Universes.
… I guess I’m a bad pageant contestant, because no, I can not do this.

14. You postponed your wedding due to a pageant.
… I can name many who have/are.

15. You do your modeling routine in your sleep.
… oh yes, because walking in circles is so hard!

16. Your western wear doesn't include jeans.
… this one must be a Texas thing???

17. You consider a week long pageant short.
… well, no, but one day locals are really weird after 10 days at Miss Ohio.

18. Your wedding party consisted of fellow contestants.
... in the photo below, Marisa and I were guests at Pam's wedding and Julie was the vocalist.

19. You have been serenaded on stage by a gay man in a tuxedo.
…is this a crack on Clay Aiken [who sang "There she is" at last years Miss America]?!?!?

20. Your headshot looks like an oil painting.
… please, someone tell me if they do so I can light them on fire!

21. You have an oil painting... of yourself, in your sash and crown.
… funny, but no.

22. You have a runway in your garage.
… funny, but no.

23. Your teeth aren't just white, they are porcelain.
… funny, but no.

24. Three suitcases for a vacation is considered "packing light."
… all those taupe shoes take up a lot of space!

25. You have perfected "elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist."
… ugh! Pageant myth #3602, no one really waves like that.

26. You have bought an entire competition wardrobe at a trunk show.
… actually, I have yet to attend a trunk show, but I’ve heard they’re great.

27. You have been in more parades than Mickey Mouse.
… I don’t know about more than, but I have literally been rained on.

28. You have an entire scrapbook dedicated to each one of your titles.
… guilty as charged.

29. You have seen every pageant movie ever made.
… just Beautiful, Drop Dead Gorgeous and Miss Congeniality, I heard the sequel had nothing to do with pageants... are there others?

30. Your hair stylist, dentist, trainer, and coach are on speed dial.
… well my dad cuts my hair, and he’s defiantly on speed dial, does that count?

31. You consider RHINESTONES to be a girl's best friend.

32. You really do want world peace.


  • Mike is a fitness trainer. He's helped many women over the years with getting ready for swimsuit. Miss USA 2005 worked with him. His website is
    I found out about him on the Pageantry Magazine links page.

    By Blogger Amy, at 8:03 AM  

  • Hi Abby!

    As for the Western wear, in some pay pageants this is an actual category. Most girls have satin outfits with fringe and rhinestones and their boots are studded for extra effect. They also have the extra large skirt that can be removed and used as a cape with a short skirt underneath. Does this help at all?


    By Blogger Ohio Queen, at 6:44 AM  

  • Ah! Thank you both so much.

    Any other comments on the list from anyone?

    How about personal additions?

    Mine would be "That your dad knows more about gowns than most high school girls shopping for prom" and "Everyone around you knows a "tote" is not only a bag, but that giant Tubberwear box that you lug all your pageant necessities around in."


    By Blogger Abby Bollenbacher, at 10:17 PM  

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